Funny Status Messages

Brasstoff: I heard that if I stood on Mars I would weigh 20% less. I now know this to be false! Does anyone want to buy 48 flattened chocolate bars? 144 Dislike
gussyg: Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure 9 Dislike
jumbojim: The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?...” 8 Dislike
keetojb: i was so drunk last night the cops pulled somebody over on tv and i put my beer under the couch 8 Dislike
copycat: I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was 'pearl necklace' .. And then I ruined family time... 8 Dislike
stormydan: AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise. 8 Dislike
stormydan: My contact lenses fell in the toilet. Now I can't see sh*t. 8 Dislike
jumbojim: I'm "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old. 8 Dislike
stefplum: No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell. 8 Dislike
jimmyg: If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place 8 Dislike

Last post by stormydan on 11/04/2019 06:43:13 PM GMT

stormydan I'm fat. But I identify as skinny. I'm transfat.
Posted by stormydan 11/04/2019 06:43 PM 1 Like
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Rex All porn videos should start with 5 seconds music to remind you that your volume is turned up
Posted by Rex 15/10/2018 06:05 PM Like
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Rex I'm going to invent a new pill called Niagra that stops erections. Slogan will be: "Viagra Rises, Niagra Falls!"
Posted by Rex 14/10/2018 02:55 PM 1 Like
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USA1 Never challenge a guy to an arm wrestling match who's been single for more than 6 months.
Posted by USA1 24/09/2018 02:36 AM 2 Like
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Rex If you superglue a dead wasp to the back of your hand you can slap your boss on the back of the head real hard & pretend you saved him
Posted by Rex 28/08/2018 02:56 PM 3 Like
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Rex Why does my wife always wait till im at the opposite end of the house before asking me to mrmv vmbf vamnumjuh?
Posted by Rex 19/08/2018 10:31 PM 6 Like
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Rex To the theif who stole my antidepressants. I hope your happy now!
Posted by Rex 30/07/2018 08:42 PM 6 Like
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Rex Id probably be a hypochondriac if i was ever well enough.
Posted by Rex 20/06/2018 03:19 PM 6 Like
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bobbyl Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
Posted by bobbyl 22/05/2018 06:27 PM 7 Like
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stefplum He died doing what he loved: telling me I'm overreacting.
Posted by stefplum 10/03/2018 02:37 PM 7 Like
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Rex I fear my gas bill more than i do global warming
Posted by Rex 29/01/2018 01:29 AM 6 Like
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Somebody If there's one thing that makes me throw up it's a dartboard on the ceiling
Posted by Somebody 26/01/2018 02:37 AM 1 Like
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stefplum A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Posted by stefplum 27/11/2017 03:28 PM 6 Like
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sirdawko Liven up boring long haul flights by pressing the stewardess call button & then when she comes 2 your seat just say "NO I CAN'T FLY A PLANE"
Posted by sirdawko 12/09/2017 07:50 AM 6 Like
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gussyg My dog's ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I'd like it to be.
Posted by gussyg 04/08/2017 08:13 PM 7 Like
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keetojb A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does
Posted by keetojb 17/03/2017 04:13 PM 7 Like
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jumbojim Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?
Posted by jumbojim 11/03/2017 02:17 PM 7 Like
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Steff Words can't describe how beautiful you are. But numbers can. 4/10.
Posted by Steff 05/03/2017 09:21 AM 6 Like
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jumbojim Based on the sound of her walking.. My upstairs neighbor seems like the kind of woman that starts sentences with; "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum.".
Posted by jumbojim 22/02/2017 02:06 PM 7 Like
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jumbojim Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Posted by jumbojim 10/02/2017 06:19 PM 6 Like
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