Funny Status Messages

Brasstoff: I heard that if I stood on Mars I would weigh 20% less. I now know this to be false! Does anyone want to buy 48 flattened chocolate bars? 143 Dislike
Thomas: ..After reading this sentence you will realize that the the brain doesn't recognize a second 'the'. (",) 7 Dislike
sirdawko: Does your wife/girlfriend have any unwanted gold jewellery?Rings, Earrings, bracelets? If so give her a slap!! UNGRATEFUL BITCH! 7 Dislike
Yamish: Facebook Skype: helping people to look at each other while watering their crops on FarmVille. 7 Dislike
pinktiewizard: the last time i drank i wake up in a petting zoo and one goat was missing... 7 Dislike
FLIX: Dear Lazy people, 12343228854980. Sincerely, You didn't even read the whole number did you? 7 Dislike
FLIX: Dear iTunes...Please realize that when I put you on "shuffle", what I really mean is "Play all my favorite songs." 7 Dislike
FLIX: last night my status was "sleeping naked." I got 'likes' from 4 girls, 1 guy and 6 mosquitoes. 7 Dislike
FLIX: Everything's funnier when you're supposed to be quiet. 7 Dislike
FLIX: That awkward moment when you make eye contact with your cat while he's in the cat box taking a dump. 7 Dislike

Last post by stormydan on 16/03/2019 09:05:58 PM GMT

Rex All porn videos should start with 5 seconds music to remind you that your volume is turned up
Posted by Rex 15/10/2018 06:05 PM Like
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Rex I'm going to invent a new pill called Niagra that stops erections. Slogan will be: "Viagra Rises, Niagra Falls!"
Posted by Rex 14/10/2018 02:55 PM 1 Like
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USA1 Never challenge a guy to an arm wrestling match who's been single for more than 6 months.
Posted by USA1 24/09/2018 02:36 AM 2 Like
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Rex If you superglue a dead wasp to the back of your hand you can slap your boss on the back of the head real hard & pretend you saved him
Posted by Rex 28/08/2018 02:56 PM 3 Like
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Rex Why does my wife always wait till im at the opposite end of the house before asking me to mrmv vmbf vamnumjuh?
Posted by Rex 19/08/2018 10:31 PM 6 Like
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Rex To the theif who stole my antidepressants. I hope your happy now!
Posted by Rex 30/07/2018 08:42 PM 6 Like
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Rex Id probably be a hypochondriac if i was ever well enough.
Posted by Rex 20/06/2018 03:19 PM 6 Like
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bobbyl Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
Posted by bobbyl 22/05/2018 06:27 PM 6 Like
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stefplum He died doing what he loved: telling me I'm overreacting.
Posted by stefplum 10/03/2018 02:37 PM 6 Like
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Rex I fear my gas bill more than i do global warming
Posted by Rex 29/01/2018 01:29 AM 6 Like
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Somebody If there's one thing that makes me throw up it's a dartboard on the ceiling
Posted by Somebody 26/01/2018 02:37 AM 1 Like
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stefplum A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Posted by stefplum 27/11/2017 03:28 PM 6 Like
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sirdawko Liven up boring long haul flights by pressing the stewardess call button & then when she comes 2 your seat just say "NO I CAN'T FLY A PLANE"
Posted by sirdawko 12/09/2017 07:50 AM 6 Like
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gussyg My dog's ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I'd like it to be.
Posted by gussyg 04/08/2017 08:13 PM 6 Like
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keetojb A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does
Posted by keetojb 17/03/2017 04:13 PM 6 Like
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jumbojim Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?
Posted by jumbojim 11/03/2017 02:17 PM 6 Like
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Steff Words can't describe how beautiful you are. But numbers can. 4/10.
Posted by Steff 05/03/2017 09:21 AM 6 Like
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jumbojim Based on the sound of her walking.. My upstairs neighbor seems like the kind of woman that starts sentences with; "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum.".
Posted by jumbojim 22/02/2017 02:06 PM 6 Like
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jumbojim Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Posted by jumbojim 10/02/2017 06:19 PM 6 Like
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Shafique.K@BawloEscobar Marriage is something when a man and a woman become one...problem starts when they try to decide which one.
Posted by Shafique.K@BawloEscobar 29/01/2017 09:45 AM 6 Like
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