funny status messages



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Brasstoff
I heard that if I stood on Mars I would weigh 20% less. I now know this to be false! Does anyone want to buy 48 flattened chocolate bars?  160 Dislike
jumbojim
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.  7 Dislike
steffplum
late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits  7 Dislike
gussyg
The wet spot in my bed is tears  7 Dislike
bobbyl
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.  7 Dislike
gussyg
My dog's ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I'd like it to be.  7 Dislike
gussyg
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.  7 Dislike
Steff
Words can't describe how beautiful you are. But numbers can. 4/10.  7 Dislike
Rex
Guilty! I hold my hands up to instigating mexican waves..  7 Dislike
jumbojim
Based on the sound of her walking.. My upstairs neighbor seems like the kind of woman that starts sentences with; "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum.".  7 Dislike
 


Last post by Windex on 01/04/2018 03:13:12 AM GMT
  • sirdawko Liven up boring long haul flights by pressing the stewardess call button & then when she comes 2 your seat just say "NO I CAN'T FLY A PLANE"
    Posted by sirdawko  12/09/2017 07:50 AM  5 Like
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  • gussyg My dog's ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I'd like it to be.
    Posted by gussyg  04/08/2017 08:13 PM  7 Like
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  • keetojb A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does
    Posted by keetojb  17/03/2017 04:13 PM  6 Like
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  • jumbojim Based on the sound of her walking.. My upstairs neighbor seems like the kind of woman that starts sentences with; "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum.".
    Posted by jumbojim  22/02/2017 02:06 PM  7 Like
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  • jumbojim Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
    Posted by jumbojim  10/02/2017 06:19 PM  7 Like
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  • Shafique.K@BawloEscobar Marriage is something when a man and a woman become one...problem starts when they try to decide which one.
    Posted by Shafique.K@BawloEscobar  29/01/2017 09:45 AM  7 Like
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  • gussyg I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.
    Posted by gussyg  13/01/2017 01:38 PM  7 Like
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  • sirdawko I don't want to think I'm getting old or anything,but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
    Posted by sirdawko  02/01/2017 12:07 PM  7 Like
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  • The Grumpy Git Money doesn't buy you happiness, but crying in a Ferrari is better than crying on a bus.
    Posted by The Grumpy Git  30/01/2016 11:30 AM  7 Like
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  • keetojb I told my 2-year-old she couldn't open any candy yet. She ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
    Posted by keetojb  03/11/2015 08:27 PM  7 Like
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