Funny Status Messages

Brasstoff: I heard that if I stood on Mars I would weigh 20% less. I now know this to be false! Does anyone want to buy 48 flattened chocolate bars? 123 Dislike
Mad2ytude: Screw optimists and pessimists, i am going to finish the glass.. 7 Dislike
With love, Cerenitie: Dear Homework. You are not attractive, and I'm not doing you. 7 Dislike
markfarley: You remind me of my Chinese friend, Ug Lee. 7 Dislike
Justin Bieber: Yes I admit it. I'm gay 7 Dislike
Rick R: Life Lesson: Never under any circumstance should you compliment a woman on her mustache, no matter how impressive it may be. 7 Dislike
Rick R: Walked into the bedroom with 2 aspirin and cup of water. Wife said, What's that for? for your headache. I don't have one. I replied, Gotcha 7 Dislike
Rick R: Got into a water fight with the kids down the street. Silly kids will never learn that they are no match for my tea kettle. 7 Dislike
Rick R: I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advice. 7 Dislike
J3stepp: Do you know exactly how much coke Charlie Sheen did? I'm not sure either but it was enough to kill Two and a Half Men 7 Dislike

Last post by Bâtard on 29/06/2019 02:37:39 PM GMT

Rex My friend is going to a fancy dress party dressed as a rastafarian & hes asked me to do his hair.....................Im dreading it
Posted by Rex 11/06/2019 04:21 PM 6 Like
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jumbojim It's kind of patronising that a computer asks you to prove you're not a robot
Posted by jumbojim 14/05/2019 03:45 PM 4 Like
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stormydan I'm fat. But I identify as skinny. I'm transfat.
Posted by stormydan 11/04/2019 06:43 PM 6 Like
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Rex All porn videos should start with 5 seconds music to remind you that your volume is turned up
Posted by Rex 15/10/2018 06:05 PM Like
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Rex I'm going to invent a new pill called Niagra that stops erections. Slogan will be: "Viagra Rises, Niagra Falls!"
Posted by Rex 14/10/2018 02:55 PM 1 Like
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USA1 Never challenge a guy to an arm wrestling match who's been single for more than 6 months.
Posted by USA1 24/09/2018 02:36 AM 3 Like
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Rex If you superglue a dead wasp to the back of your hand you can slap your boss on the back of the head real hard & pretend you saved him
Posted by Rex 28/08/2018 02:56 PM 4 Like
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Rex Why does my wife always wait till im at the opposite end of the house before asking me to mrmv vmbf vamnumjuh?
Posted by Rex 19/08/2018 10:31 PM 6 Like
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Rex To the theif who stole my antidepressants. I hope your happy now!
Posted by Rex 30/07/2018 08:42 PM 6 Like
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Rex Id probably be a hypochondriac if i was ever well enough.
Posted by Rex 20/06/2018 03:19 PM 6 Like
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bobbyl Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
Posted by bobbyl 22/05/2018 06:27 PM 6 Like
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stefplum He died doing what he loved: telling me I'm overreacting.
Posted by stefplum 10/03/2018 02:37 PM 6 Like
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Rex I fear my gas bill more than i do global warming
Posted by Rex 29/01/2018 01:29 AM 6 Like
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Somebody If there's one thing that makes me throw up it's a dartboard on the ceiling
Posted by Somebody 26/01/2018 02:37 AM 1 Like
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stefplum A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Posted by stefplum 27/11/2017 03:28 PM 6 Like
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sirdawko Liven up boring long haul flights by pressing the stewardess call button & then when she comes 2 your seat just say "NO I CAN'T FLY A PLANE"
Posted by sirdawko 12/09/2017 07:50 AM 6 Like
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gussyg My dog's ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I'd like it to be.
Posted by gussyg 04/08/2017 08:13 PM 6 Like
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keetojb A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does
Posted by keetojb 17/03/2017 04:13 PM 6 Like
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jumbojim Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?
Posted by jumbojim 11/03/2017 02:17 PM 6 Like
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Steff Words can't describe how beautiful you are. But numbers can. 4/10.
Posted by Steff 05/03/2017 09:21 AM 6 Like
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