Funny Status Messages

Brasstoff: I heard that if I stood on Mars I would weigh 20% less. I now know this to be false! Does anyone want to buy 48 flattened chocolate bars? 148 Dislike
Kwesta: For the conceited people: if i ever decide to commit suicide, all i would do is jump from YOUR EGO TO YOUR IQ-LEVEL :D 7 Dislike
@TsirAhXuan: DURING THE SUMMER: Everyday I'm shufflin' DURING THE WINTER: Everyday I'm shovelin' 7 Dislike
unknown: i am a lion hear me ROAR.....meow. 7 Dislike
sirdawko: last night I saw a guy in a Man Utd shirt drowning in a frozen canal so I saved him...as the screensaver on my phone. 7 Dislike
@bigwmo77: Isnt it funny how you can be thinking about someone and they suddenly appear infront of you, My dad just caught me w*nking 7 Dislike
@romeofthesouth: commented on your photo 7 Dislike
Somebody: That awkward moment when God asks Beyonce 'who run the world'... 7 Dislike
achduliebescheisse: Living the dream, one nightmare at a time. 7 Dislike
@romeofthesouth: is back from A&E, broken leg and bruised ribs. Will be seeing a solicitor on Monday... Red Bull does NOT give you wings! Lying b*stards!! 7 Dislike

Last post by Rex on 24/01/2019 07:03:59 PM GMT

Rex All porn videos should start with 5 seconds music to remind you that your volume is turned up
Posted by Rex 15/10/2018 06:05 PM Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

Rex I'm going to invent a new pill called Niagra that stops erections. Slogan will be: "Viagra Rises, Niagra Falls!"
Posted by Rex 14/10/2018 02:55 PM 1 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

USA1 Never challenge a guy to an arm wrestling match who's been single for more than 6 months.
Posted by USA1 24/09/2018 02:36 AM 2 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

Rex If you superglue a dead wasp to the back of your hand you can slap your boss on the back of the head real hard & pretend you saved him
Posted by Rex 28/08/2018 02:56 PM 3 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

Rex Why does my wife always wait till im at the opposite end of the house before asking me to mrmv vmbf vamnumjuh?
Posted by Rex 19/08/2018 10:31 PM 6 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

Rex To the theif who stole my antidepressants. I hope your happy now!
Posted by Rex 30/07/2018 08:42 PM 6 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

Rex Id probably be a hypochondriac if i was ever well enough.
Posted by Rex 20/06/2018 03:19 PM 6 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

bobbyl Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
Posted by bobbyl 22/05/2018 06:27 PM 6 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

stefplum He died doing what he loved: telling me I'm overreacting.
Posted by stefplum 10/03/2018 02:37 PM 6 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

Rex I fear my gas bill more than i do global warming
Posted by Rex 29/01/2018 01:29 AM 6 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

Somebody If there's one thing that makes me throw up it's a dartboard on the ceiling
Posted by Somebody 26/01/2018 02:37 AM 1 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

stefplum A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Posted by stefplum 27/11/2017 03:28 PM 6 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

sirdawko Liven up boring long haul flights by pressing the stewardess call button & then when she comes 2 your seat just say "NO I CAN'T FLY A PLANE"
Posted by sirdawko 12/09/2017 07:50 AM 6 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

gussyg My dog's ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I'd like it to be.
Posted by gussyg 04/08/2017 08:13 PM 6 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

keetojb A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does
Posted by keetojb 17/03/2017 04:13 PM 6 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

jumbojim Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?
Posted by jumbojim 11/03/2017 02:17 PM 6 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

Steff Words can't describe how beautiful you are. But numbers can. 4/10.
Posted by Steff 05/03/2017 09:21 AM 6 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

jumbojim Based on the sound of her walking.. My upstairs neighbor seems like the kind of woman that starts sentences with; "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum.".
Posted by jumbojim 22/02/2017 02:06 PM 6 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

jumbojim Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Posted by jumbojim 10/02/2017 06:19 PM 6 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter

Shafique.K@BawloEscobar Marriage is something when a man and a woman become one...problem starts when they try to decide which one.
Posted by Shafique.K@BawloEscobar 29/01/2017 09:45 AM 6 Like
Share on Facebook | Share on Twitter