funny status messages



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keetojb
The doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock  30 Dislike
gussyg
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.  30 Dislike
keetojb
My new year's resolution is that donuts have no calories  30 Dislike
keetojb
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode  30 Dislike
keeto
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.  30 Dislike
gussyg
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.  29 Dislike
keetojb
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does  29 Dislike
jumbojim
Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?  29 Dislike
gussyg
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.  29 Dislike
jumbojim
Based on the sound of her walking.. My upstairs neighbor seems like the kind of woman that starts sentences with; "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum.".  29 Dislike
 


Last post by Rex on 20/09/2017 10:03:34 AM GMT
  • sirdawko Liven up boring long haul flights by pressing the stewardess call button & then when she comes 2 your seat just say "NO I CAN'T FLY A PLANE"
    Posted by sirdawko  12/09/2017 07:50 AM  1 Like
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  • gussyg My dog's ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I'd like it to be.
    Posted by gussyg  04/08/2017 08:13 PM  8 Like
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  • keetojb A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does
    Posted by keetojb  17/03/2017 04:13 PM  29 Like
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  • jumbojim Based on the sound of her walking.. My upstairs neighbor seems like the kind of woman that starts sentences with; "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum.".
    Posted by jumbojim  22/02/2017 02:06 PM  29 Like
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  • jumbojim Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
    Posted by jumbojim  10/02/2017 06:19 PM  29 Like
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  • Shafique.K@BawloEscobar Marriage is something when a man and a woman become one...problem starts when they try to decide which one.
    Posted by Shafique.K@BawloEscobar  29/01/2017 09:45 AM  7 Like
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  • gussyg I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.
    Posted by gussyg  13/01/2017 01:38 PM  29 Like
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  • sirdawko I don't want to think I'm getting old or anything,but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
    Posted by sirdawko  02/01/2017 12:07 PM  7 Like
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  • The Grumpy Git Money doesn't buy you happiness, but crying in a Ferrari is better than crying on a bus.
    Posted by The Grumpy Git  30/01/2016 11:30 AM  9 Like
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  • keetojb I told my 2-year-old she couldn't open any candy yet. She ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
    Posted by keetojb  03/11/2015 08:27 PM  12 Like
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  • guest I once dated an insomniac but it didn't last long, I could never get her to sleep with me
    Posted by guest  24/10/2015 02:26 PM  10 Like
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  • Grumpy Git How to get rid of a corpse: post it to yourself through Parcelforce. You'll never see the f*cker again.
    Posted by Grumpy Git  15/09/2015 02:54 PM  4 Like
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  • Grumpy Git These so called scientists proclaiming graphene is the thinnest black material ever developed have clearly never bought Lidl value bin bags.
    Posted by Grumpy Git  26/08/2015 10:13 AM  2 Like
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