funny status messages



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gussyg
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.  34 Dislike
jumbojim
Based on the sound of her walking.. My upstairs neighbor seems like the kind of woman that starts sentences with; "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum.".  33 Dislike
keetojb
The doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock  32 Dislike
keetojb
I'm still exhausted from my 2-mile jog. And I went on it four months ago.  32 Dislike
keetojb
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him  31 Dislike
gussyg
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.  31 Dislike
jumbojim
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07  31 Dislike
gussyg
This beer hasn't killed me so it must be making me stronger.  31 Dislike
gussyg
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!  30 Dislike
keetojb
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".  30 Dislike
 


Last post by jumbojim on 10/07/2017 11:42:43 PM GMT
  • gussyg My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.
    Posted by gussyg  25/03/2017 01:15 PM  21 Like
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  • Shafique.K This one time...I didnt see time or date....since then I call it 'this one time'.
    Posted by Shafique.K  10/12/2016 11:47 AM  11 Like
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  • Phil If somebody reads a newspaper from a long time ago then are they reading the news, or are they reading the olds?
    Posted by Phil  14/02/2016 01:44 AM  6 Like
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  • A Monkey They say that if life give you lemons, make lemonade. What if life gives you lemonade though?
    Posted by A Monkey  20/10/2015 08:12 PM  1 Like
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  • The Grumpy Git I don't see why people are so concerned by the drop in bee population. They've clearly never been stung by one. Or a wasp.
    Posted by The Grumpy Git  20/06/2015 12:33 PM  1 Like
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  • The Grumpy Git Election day: the day when you get to choose which position to be f*cked in for the next 5 years.
    Posted by The Grumpy Git  07/05/2015 09:18 AM  7 Like
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  • DavidNg We have a bribery problem around here. No one seems to think I'm important enough to bribe.
    Posted by DavidNg  27/04/2015 08:11 PM  7 Like
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  • sirdawko Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end!
    Posted by sirdawko  26/01/2015 11:37 AM  4 Like
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  • TheLoveDoctor Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.
    Posted by TheLoveDoctor  07/11/2014 03:47 PM  5 Like
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  • Rex David Cameron the only man at this moment in time that's screwing more people than every porn star combined!
    Posted by Rex  06/10/2014 12:59 AM  3 Like
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  • Cerebral Vortex The batteries in smartphones are sh*t! I remember when my old Nokia said I had low battery, it meant that I had two days to find a charger.
    Posted by Cerebral Vortex  03/09/2014 08:26 PM  7 Like
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